Beauty is inspirational... so is determination.

As said in the title...

Beauty is inspirational... so is determination.

To those who know "beauty"-- however it is that you think of it-- you know what it is to look at something so beautiful, so exquisite (sp?), so unreal in it's significance that you can't help but stare.

But what about those of us who pass it by?

What about those of us who forget to look for it?

How bout those of us who even take it for granted?

I have a friend... who has a blog.  She has written of our family and our situation before.  I will be anominous in this post as to who this family is, although if they read this they will know EXACTLY who they are.  These are people, who I consider GREAT friends.  The woman especially, but the entire family brings a light into this world that is absolutely blinding. 

 Here's their story.

They have a daughter, let's call her Cass  (for Pete's sake, I'm trying!).  Anyway, after they have her, they decide to have another addition.  Problems occur.  Fertility issues.  No explaination.  Doctors, testing, procedures.... nothing.

They decide to adopt.

Internationally.

Not long into the adoption process, not long before the scheduled trip to meet their new little one, they discover they are pregnant. 

This, by the way, is during and shortly after the birth of Emi (7yrs. old). 

This, by the way, is in the wake of 9/11.

In 2002, the news comes that they are expecting as well as in the process of adoption.  Typical story as I've come to understand.  They are to go greet their A-girl (as this friend puts it) in Nov. or Dec. of '02.  They are due with the unexpected little one in Feb. '03.  Dad goes to get little Miss A.  During the trip, Mom delivers a still born little boy. 

Wow.

Is that enough to break your heart?  Can you imagine the anticipation of greeting the child you've longed for at the EXACT same time you're grieving another child you've longed for?  I'm sure some can, but I digress.

Moving on....

Then in April of '03, Mom discovers that miraculously (lighting striking) that she's over 3 mos. pregnant.

Jeez...  Can you say Whiplash?

She delivers a healthy baby boy in Oct. '03.  So, their "little" family grew from 3 to 5 in less than a year. 

They decided they could give even more to another child.  Along comes another beautiful, adoptive daughter-- Miss J, less than one year younger than her big brother. (Maybe even less than I can remember)

You'd think they're set, they're done, they're busy enough....

NOOOOOOO!

Mom surfs around on familiar website for international adoption.  She find this little boy, who is on the "special needs" list.  Only because of a cleft palette, that's been worked on.  She see's beauty in him and she can't bear to "close" him off the screen.  Dad comes home and sees him and pretty much feels the same way.

Here comes #5!

Little C-Man joins the crew.

This family graces my life with their very being.  Every one of these children hug me when they see me.  Every one of this family lights up my day when I see them.  And I cannot even tell this story without telling you that every one of this family has given me something...  whether it's a picture they've drawn, brighter days when they smile, advice when it's needed most, inspiration when things seem their worst... the list could go on.

My point with this blog, is that no matter what YOU find beautiful in life... nothing compares to family.

Those amazing children whom this family took home ARE beautiful.  That little C-man, who was on the "special needs" list was so beautiful that his meant-to-be Mommy could not turn away.  Even when others would because he wasn't "PERFECT".

The aspiration this family had to keep going and build a family after tragedy struck and despair reared it's ugly head, is inspirational at it's least.

I have met many people in my life who struggle with infertility, some of those are dear friends.  But that in NO way means that you can't have a BEAUTIFUL family!  We all will get to the same place in the end... some of us just may take a different road.. the "Road Less Traveled".

My experiences in life are, by no means, UNTRAVELED.  But they are "Less Traveled". 

 I try each day to see the beauty in my life.

I strive to be a better mother, wife and person mainly because of stories like I've told in this post.  I want what I do to be important, not only to my own life but to those around me.  I'm inspired by these stories of overcoming the odds.  I'm inspired to help build the next generation, regardless of how it's achieved.

I look at struggles other have overcome and the blinding light that can shine through all that.

Everyone of us can make a difference, can make a life better, can leave a foot-print in the sand.... all if we think we are worth it.

As a mother, I spend most of my life doing things for others.  Not only in my "motherly" life, but also in my career.  I am always doing things to make OTHERS happy.  But the truth behind that, is that IS my life.  That's who I am.  So, because of these people I know who have struggled with situations I have not, I am determined to make the best of mine.  Craig will I'm sure be part of that with me. 

Sometimes when things look desperate or depressive, I would like to think that God has given me a different path to follow on my way to heaven.

Doesn't matter how I get there.... just that I do.

Love to you all!!!

-Carolyn

Sorry it's been so long!!!!

OMG, can I just start off this little blog by saying-- I completely squished my resolution to be a better blogger.  I just haven't had the energy to still down and think of what would be interesting for you all to know about, although there is quite a bit... I've procrastinated long enough, get some coffee, go to the bathroom, find a comfy seat..... this might take a while!

So, first off, Nate Update:

Nate is doing really great with his cochlear implant-- I still don't know what the outside piece of the device is called.  Everytime Craig and I are talking about it, the name of it is different everytime.  Sometimes it's "Where's Nate's cochlear thingy?", or maybe "Nate's implant thing needs batteries", I have said, "Have you seen Nate's ear?"  Whatever, we always know what we mean.  Anyway, he really seems to be noticing sound.  Again the difficult, frustrating part is that it comes off ALL the time.  We went in to the Midwest Ear Institute last Friday and they did some more programming.  There are 12 electrodes in his ear, they only have electrodes 1 thru 7 on, mainly because we're not sure if 8 thru 12 are doing anything for him.  His responses to sound are really hard to judge and we were certain that he was getting the first seven electrodes, but not so certain of the last 4.  So, it makes sense to turn those off until his responses are easier to read.  We have a gal named Terese helping us out at the Britain Center.  She comes in during his physical therapy with Mo and will work with him.  One day, we went into a small room (a storage closet actually), and kept all the sounds to a bare minimum then we would bang a drum or something just to gage his response.  We also sang to him.  At one point, Terese and I were singing "Twinkle, Twinkle" and he started almost yelling.  It was as if he was singing with us.  Or.... maybe he was yelling for us to QUIT singing.  Either way, we knew that he was responding to it!  Very exciting!

I haven't been to his baby class at the Britain Center (IDC) in a while, Craig's been taking him.  But he's really showing off for them!  If someone says, "Hi Nate" he'll kind of vocalize back (in a way).  The more that happens, the more I believe it isn't a coincidence.  Also, he gets this little half smile that used to only happen when he was having a siezure.  It's not that big baby smile that you imagine a baby having, but it's better than him there with his mouth hanging open and his tounge out.  He's cute either way, but you know what I mean.  Once a month or once every other month, there is a parent pow wow during class.  The PT's and OT's will come and hang out with the babies, while the parents and the director of the school will have a sit down and just talk.  Really, it's a chance to tell your story, or vent, or ask questions, maybe even a chance to just be with other parents that have a child with special needs.  I have never been able to go to one of these.  They seem to schedule them on Wednesday when Craig doesn't work, which then means I'm working.  Craig wishes that that wasn't so, he's always the only guy there.  Last time he went, we had both been struggling a little mentally with Nate.  In class, we are surrounded by other babies who have brain damage and some with down's syndrome.  Other than the baby (she's only a few months old), Nate is the LEAST functioning kid in class.  It's so hard to try to have fun when you're trying to find the best position for him to practice head control, hold his head so it's not flopping all over the place, keep his implant thingy on (or continue to keep putting it back on), help him participate (holding shakers for music class).... just all of it.  Then you're looking around at all these other kiddos who's moms are interacting with them, the children are clapping, waving, smiling, participating.  It's hard because I try to remember that Nate is doing AWESOME.... for Nate.  But when I look around at these other kids, it reminds me of the level of damage his brain has.  I try to think of the things he can do that the others can't, but the ONLY thing we can focus on is that HE can eat solids.  Some of the others can't do that.  So, we had both been feeling that discouragemnet within our hearts.  Then at this parent pow-wow, one of the newer moms (whose baby has Down's) mentioned how before she came to IDC she used to feel so bad for what was happening with her daughter.  She would compare her progress with other children and be discouraged.  Through tears, she said that now being here, she realizes she didn't have it so bad.  She felt so bad for us and some of the not higher functioning kids, because of what we had to, and are currently, going through. 

Wow.

I know all this came from a good place in her heart, but when Craig told me about this, all I could think was "Well, I'm glad we can make you feel better about your situation."  I'm so tired of that.

I'm tired of people not feeling like they can't express their worries, frustrations, problems with us because "it's not anything like what you guys have had to go through".  I guess it just depends on the day of how I react to those kinds of things.  I don't want people to feel sorry for us anymore, or tell us how strong we are.  I just want to be normal, or normal for us I guess.  You know, I used to be one of those people who looked at situations like ours with other people and be sad for them.  And think, "Gosh, that's awful, I'm glad we don't have to go through that".  It's really one of those count your blessings kind of things.  I guess what it really all comes down to is that the biggest problem in YOUR life is still (no matter what else is going on with other people) the biggest problem in your life.  Everyone's entitled to feel sorry for themselves for something not going the way you hoped.  It's OK to be frustrated at your own problems and tribulations.  And after you're done with your pity party, you  can look around and realize things could be worse.

I've done it.

I did it at the hospital when Nate was in the PICU and hearing stories of other kids dying or having chronic health issues.  At least Nate was getting better health wise.  We knew that if he pulled through, we would have no "health" issues.  Mainly what we would deal with would be his brain injury.

I did it when I was poking around on the internet for other stories or parent of kids who had meningitis as an infant.  I wanted to find a story just like ours, and see how it turned out.  I ran across some whose babies did not survive.  At least I could still hold, kiss, smell, experience my baby.

Everyone's situation is different and everyone reacts to loss or tribulations differently.  I can only express how I deal with loss or tribulations.  My way isn't the way everyone would deal. 

Moral of this story is that, yes-- I feel sorry for myself sometimes, then through the wheel of the world I realize that I should actually be feeling lucky for myself.  But, EVERYONE has problems.  Some are trivial, sure... but they are still problems.  I'm sure anyone could find another person whose been through worse than they.  That's when you can feel better about yourself.  I think that's one of God's great gifts to us.  The Wheel of the World.

Ok, so that's that.....

What else do I have to say here?

We have some stuff to announce regarding our TND fundraiser in Sept.  I will figure out some details and will post on that VERY soon, I promise!

OH!!!!  I almost forgot!  Nate can occasionally lift his head up when he's on his belly!  If his arms and elbows are under his chest he will lift his head and turn it.... I had Emi take pictures, here's some:

And here's some just for fun...

So, I leave you now... after much rambling and aims at thought provoking-ness.  I will try to be better about the updates people!  Thanks for being so supportive still!  You all rock!

Love,

Carolyn