Honestly, I have to admit, there are days where I forget how lucky I am. On the surface, I do remember. But deep down I'm extremely tired, angry, confused, indifferent. The fact that I have this beautiful family, amazing friends, a warm home, a career, food on the table.... it gets all warbled up in my grief sometimes.
Then, miraculously, as if GOD sees this, I find signs. Signs that bring me to the realization of my significance. The reference of hope is sent my way.
I have recently been bouncing around on the internet, looking for other mothers who's children had meningitis. Other than Dani and her little guy Logan, I haven't really known of anyone else. So, I found the motivation to search for some. And I found a few. Hearing stories of children who as babies had meningitis, and their abilities to this point are hopeful. That gives me strength. To hear of a family who lost their little one to this horrific illness, reminds me that I AM lucky. I can still hold and kiss my baby. No, he may not smile at me or even reach for me, but he's here.
I have two beautiful and angelic older children who light up my world with their smiles. They love their mommy and daddy and fight over who gets to kiss Nate first. I have a husband who, everything he does, he does for us. His strength is my rock. My home is not falling down, it's secure and warm and shelters us. It's our place where we live, laugh and grow together. My career is my hobby, I love what I do. How many people can say that.... not enough I'm sure.
These "things" are what really matters. The fact that God put us into this position with Nate and the struggles that come with.... it will make us stronger as a family and as people.
Sure, it would fantiastic to have relatively small issues to deal with, but THAT is NOT my life. I have to push forward and try to make this all better in whatever way I can. If it's even just getting the kids to the park or the library, or making sure I get quality time with my husband or my friends, or working out in the yard so my husband doesn't have to do so much out there.... what ever.
I'm so glad to have a place where I can unload my thoughts and I truly do enjoy hearing your thoughts back. But really, this is an opportunity for me to heal and I hope that doesn't seems selfish.
Enjoy the Halloween pics, we had fun.
Love Carolyn
You know, there are days that life just seems to slip right through our hands and when we lay in bed at night and try to reflect on some sort of significance we have made in the world, or even in our own home with our own families, and NOTHING seems to stand out, how frustrating it is to not be able to think of one thing positive. That there was possibly a day wasted. Then you remember what really matters. The things you mentioned. Life is not about saving the world, it is just getting through each day. If you can look at your life and say, yes I loved my children and my husband the best I could today, how wonderful that is, something that does not even cross alot of peoples mind. Nate has brought us all to think about those things, and since he got sick, I lay in bed at night (most nights) and thank my lucky stars for what I do have. The blessings that the most important people in my life have, and we ARE truly blessed in every sence of the word. Your family is beautiful and they love your arms hugging them more than anyone elses, your lips gently kissing their scrapes, your voice telling them that they are loved, YOU are their everything, and that in itself is as wonderful as saving the world. Don't forget what we promised to remember when Nate was in the hospital..."It's okay today" sometimes that is the best we can aim for. It is okay to feel lost and angry, but on those days do not forget that you are the best, even on your worst hair day, or when you have the biggest zit in history, or when you are short tempered and crabby, you still are the ultimate being to 4 amazing people. Hold on to that. I wish I was there to squeeze the breath out of you, but you know, I am here for you, in whatever way you need me to be and that I love you unconditionally. You are wonderful woman, human yes, but a phenominal mother and wife and that does mean so much to YOUR family. I love you so much and pray for you each and every day. You hang in there. I love the pics, everyone looks GREAT and happy, pat yourself on the back, you are doing the best you can and for now, for today, and that is something to be proud of. I love you more than you know. sis
ReplyDeleteTrue DAT! I think we all tend to focus on the things we don't have instead of being thankful for all the things we DO have, I guess that is natural. I just can't help but to smile when I see those pics of your family. Although you guys have been handed a big challenge you are still so blessed.
ReplyDeleteBeen thinkin about you guys a lot. I have so many hugs and kisses to catch up on. Miss you guys.
-Love ya to pieces, T
Life changes every second, it is not stagnant, it is not meant to sit there and always be the same. We can't expect that every second of every day we remember, we feel and we behave in the way we expect ourselves to. Hardly ever does the day we invision actually happen-that is pretty much an impossibility. We do not control our lives, we react to them. Our reactions are what we can control, we can plan them and we can change them. Beyond that it is all out of our hands. And really thank goodness for that. Can you imagine how messed up we would all be if it were up to us?
ReplyDeleteNot many people can actually turn it all over and live the life they are called to, not many of us have the ability to actually trust that much. I would like to think I strive for that, but I have issues!
I have a friend who's husband has been dying for the past nine years. There have been many times family has been been called in to say goodbye-but somehow it hasn't happened and he gets better for a time. This family lives their life for their faith, everything they do is in consideration of their faith. My friend has always amazed me because she raises their three sons, takes care of her husband and the household and yet she never complains, but she always looks so tired, so consumed. I had not seen her for many, many months and I ran into her the other day . I heard hospice had been called in, she had not left her house, not once for two months she was taking full care of her husband. Friends had taken over care for the boys and so on. The first thing I noticed when I ran into her was this glow, this incredible glow. When I commented on how good she looked she said " I finally have peace, I am good, my soul is at peace." I was truly in awe-her world is about to turn completly upside down and yet she has peace. She had given over control, she had done it! She was now living the life she has been given in comfort of her faith, she was at last comfortable in her life.
I think that we transform on a daily basis, we have too. I think with every transformation comes a new beginning, a new chance to listen and live our faith-our own personal faith. I think our faith is like fingerprints-none are the same they are all different. Faith means something differnt to each person and we respond differnetly to it.
I wonder what would happen if just for a day we all lived our faith, without fear, without reaction...we just simply listen and follow-I wonder.
I wonder if we wouldn't be so hard on ourselves, I wonder if we would find peace, acceptance, compassion and hope. I wonder if we would trust that what we do is what we are supposed to do, I wonder.
I must say I am proud of you, I am proud you have found your voice with your blog. I am proud of you for knowing yourself and your feelings and trusting those who care about you to listen and to be there. Tracy
You put so much into perspective, not just Carolyn and CAC, but everyone within Team Nate Dog. Thank you TND, for reminding me each and everyday the blessings in my life!
ReplyDeleteMuch, much love...
Kari ;)
Hey Zeller family. I just wanted to say hi and let you all know I am always thinking about you. We had a great time with you on Halloween. It was so great to finally get to meet Nate. He is absolutley precious and even cuter that his pictures make him out to be. He is so lucky to have you guys.
ReplyDeleteYour words have helped me to realize how much my life and family are a blessing to me.
You pointed out on Halloween for me to watch what I wish for, and that has helped me so much to know that everything Hank does or every sound he makes, I should enjoy it.
You sre such an awesome woman and I admire you.
I hope to see you all soon, give Nate a big ol kiss for me.
Stephanie Kotchavar
Where to begin...Carolyn, you're one of the strongest people I know!! So brave, so honest, so real...you may not realize it, but you're an inspiration to me and I'm sure many, many others. Even though I don't have any children, your thoughts & realizations ring very true in my life - it's important to love what you have & who you have in your life - right now!
ReplyDeleteThrough Nate, I can only imagine how many lives you've touched - how many people read your posts and think, "Man, I need to stop wallowing in my own self-made misery and just keep on keepin' on!". After I read your entries, it makes me want to be a better person - it makes me want to help other people who need it.
And I truly believe God has a plan for you & your family - maybe you were meant to inspire so many of us, maybe you were meant to wake us up from our selfishness, maybe you were meant to be the strength and solace for other people who are dealing with the same things! You may never know how profoundly you have touched the lives of so many people so just know you have and will continue to do so!
Hang in there and thank you so much for sharing your thoughts & feelings with all of us --- and know it helps us too!!
Dear Carolyn,
ReplyDeleteIt amazes me how you speak from your heart every time you write on your blog. So many things you write are thoughts I've had flowing through my mind for so many years, but I just couldn't find the words like you have. I feel like you are the voice I've been looking for all of these years. I know sometimes it can be so hard to get through one day. There are times when Logan makes me absolutely insane and I get so angry and then I stop and remember, he's doing the best he can. He's doing the best that God wanted him to do. And I take him and I hug him so hard and I just nuzzle up to him and cry. And I thank God. I thank him for letting this beautiful little boy show me what is really true and beautiful about life. There are days when I so horribly think, "What would Logan be like if he was normal?" And then I remember, Logan IS normal. I realized a long time ago that my perception of "normal" was what society made me to believe. But God determines what is normal. And Logan is. He is simply happy and innocent. That is as "normal" as it gets.
You and I are very lucky women. We've been selected to be protectors of very special human beings. God found us worthy to care for his most sacred and special babies. And that thought alone, should give us the strength to wake up every morning and do what we do.
Don't doubt for one second that that baby boy doesn't know who you are Carolyn. Although he may not be able to tell you right now, he knows you. He knows your touch. Babies like Nate have senses that we do not. And I truly believe that God would never put a baby on this earth and not ever let him know those who love him. He does. He knows you better than you think. And you're doing an amazing job with him. Stay strong. Remember that you have been chosen for a very important mission. And that is to bring the best out in Nate and your family. I have no doubt that you are strong enough for the job. And God doesn't doubt that either.
Take care. I do hope to be able to meet you, Nate and the rest of your family someday.
Dani